As many of you may already know, I’m a short, round, brown Rican dyke queermo who runs around the Bronx trying to hug all the people and dismantle the patriarchy. But as of late, it seems like this type of living just isn’t conducive to being the Best American. In fact, many of the issues in my life seem to stem from the fact that how I live is in complete opposition to what my country really wants from me and for me. Every time I turn around, something so terrible is happening to someone who lives and/or looks like me and I feel helpless to stop it. Protestors are sent to jail or murdered. Riots have been turned into American Express and Wal-Mart commercials disguised as parades. Starving hard working people are stripped of food stamps and the minimum wage is literally a number that reminds you of how minimal your importance is to this country. So I’m here thinking aka wasting my time because I should be working at a shitty job bc America and I’m like well ‘how should I live to best suit my country?’ Thank God for all the news stories that helped create this list. Here are the gems I came up with:
7 Ways to Be the Best American
1 – Walk Around with A Semi-Automatic Weapon AT ALL TIMES.
There may be people darker than me that I need to shoot at because they may cough or act like a human being in my presence. And there may be white people that need protection and hopefully they’ll have guns too in case I get out of line.
2 – Grow Out My Hair.
Right now my hair is an unacceptable length of DYKE. It makes people uncomfortable and keeps me from being accepted as a woman. Obvs, MY FAULT. So time to let it grow and grow and grow until I can ride on it into the arms of an awaiting man.
If I’m lucky enough to be given a scholarship to an elite prep school or if somehow by the Grace of White Jesus, my family makes enough money to send me to an elite prep school, I should sit my brown ass down, be quiet, and give all mighty head to the privileged white males at said school otherwise I deserve to be humiliated and stripped of the position I earned fair and square.
4 – OBVS Give Up Lesbianing
What I really need to succeed is a man. Also, in my heterosexual relationship we should follow very strict gender rules. Queerness makes it so that I’m confused about my needs as a woman because there isn’t a hetero man telling me what to do.
5- Live by the motto: THINSPIRATION
Being overweight is GROSS and keeps men from wanting to stick their favorite body parts inside of me. Also, when losing weight I need to document it on social media and use hashtags that promote anorexia. In fact, I should try and catch a disease like mono or cancer or develop an addiction to heroin so that I can be thin and happy and not have to deal with FAT BITCHES calling me out on my instagram.
6 – Have all the Babies FOREVER
Since the only reason any of us engage in sex, and by us, I mean women because obvs men will be men and they can’t control themselves and will have sex all the time whenever they want and never use contraception or care about the age of consent or consent at all, is to give birth and create life, then why would anyone ever need birth control? Stupid feminazis and their birth control that’s what PRAYER is for. derp.
7- Become a corporation.
The world definitely DOES NOT need more women. In fact on a scale of one to ten, one being a blade of grass and ten being a corporation, women fall right in between a place to ejaculate and a sandwich maker. It’d be better for American if I just denied my personhood and became a corporation.
Whew, I think that almost covers it? Seven is a good number, you know, day of rest and whatnot. Wouldn’t want to wear out my very fragile woman-brain. Please, help me come up with more ways to be a better American!